Laying Down the Highlighter

I ran the Cape to Cabot in 2012.  It was the hardest
race I ever ran.  I kinda feel the same way now as I did
after completing a 20k run from Cape Spear to Cabot Tower.
Wiped.  But exhilarated.

I am done.

I can now be fully present with my loved ones.

I can relax without feeling guilty I'm not studying. 

I can read whatever I want.

I can revert back to my multi-focals... although, now that I've discovered reading glasses, I will be using these for reading print!

I can stop emailing my prof.

Freedom!

What a ride the last six weeks has been.  I learned quite a bit.  Of course!, you say, I completed two courses!  Yes, I did learn from them, and I totally loved it all.. but what I didn't count on was what I learned about myself. 

1. My brain still works.  I studied.  I successfully recalled.  I learned new ways of doing things.  I worked late nights a few times.  My brain may be slow... but it works.  That is good to know after the year I've had with my brain.
2. I kind of love school.  Never thought I'd say that.  (Remind me of this next Fall when I return for more of this!)
3. I needed to succeed at something, and I did.  I have failed at a lot in recent years.  Failed at business, failed at fitness, failed at partnerships, failed at friendship... mostly, I failed at my vocation.  I totally believe in failure being an opportunity to learn, and I always have.  But, when you keep failing with little success, it is not easy to feel good about yourself.  I needed this success more than I knew.  Sure, I'm proud of past accomplishments and the best things in my life, my kids.  But our careers are a big part of who we are, and I have had a half-ass career for years.  It has not been my choice, it has been due to many factors.  So succeeding at this endeavour was something I needed.  Badly.  And it helped.
4. I know stuff.  Indeed, these were undergraduate courses and I already have a Master's degree and about 20 years work experience.  However, these courses were in education and counselling.  This is new to me and so different from my formal education background.  In many ways, I didn't have a clue.  But, I found myself saying all kinds of relevant things... I knew stuff!  I knew relevant stuff!  So that was cool.
5. I love highlighters.
6. I tried to be humorous with my classmates... they never responded to any of my funnies... therefore, I'm not funny.  But I find myself funny.  So... I'm funny... well, only to me... mostly. Actually, I think what I learned is that I don't really give a shit about the facade of having to act a certain way.  There is too much inauthenticity in the world.  I kind of pride myself at being as authentic as I can be.  And I can see how I've come a long way since my 20s and even my 30s.  I'm not so fearful of saying and doing Tina.... I'm mostly appropriate.
7. I am not very good at balancing school and work and family and life.  I used to be.  I'm not anymore.  This is going to be a challenging few years. 
8. I am ready for the next few challenging years.

Oh, one last funny....

My final paper (I wrote about it in my last blog) was to design a program and it was to be 12-15 pages in length.  I did it and mine was 7 pages.  SEVEN pages.  I could not figure out what else to put into this program without making it 500 pages if I included all the details about every activity, etc.  So I emailed my prof.  I asked what I should do.... I felt I was missing something.  I was getting stuck on this word 'activity' and thought I was misinterpreting it.

Anyway, I was working away trying to add information... not being very successful... and my husband asks, "Is that 7 pages double or single spaced?"  

WELL!  I am supposed to do my papers in APA FORMAT!  That means double spacing... and, well, my 7 pages were single spaced!  So I had the correct number of pages afterall.

Needless to say, I sent my prof ANOTHER email (that would be four in total for this one paper) with the subject line: "Senior's Moment."

#the47yearoldstudent 

The Final Stretch

Yes... reading glasses on bottom... husband's sunglasses over them.
Doesn't everyone do that when they are a 47 year old student?
And go out with messy hair, of course.

I have two more online posts to make and one final paper to submit.  And then I'm done. 

Isn't it funny how you can feel finished... but so not.  Each time I sit to write my paper, I realize I still have so much to do.  I'm designing a career education and counselling program.  That's my final paper.  Given my experience and resources and tools, I thought this would be fairly easy.  Afterall, I work as a career transition consultant!

Well... it's not so easy for me.  I keep getting caught up in too much detail or not enough theory or wondering about things I don't know about but wanting to include them in my program.  Sheesh!  I seriously do not remember ever feeling this way in earlier years of study.  I just did my paper as requested.  I rarely, if ever, even asked the prof for clarification.  Well, I had to ask the prof two things already.

Maybe I was just really naive in my 20s.  And 30s.  I just didn't know what I didn't know, I suppose.  Now, I still don't know.  But I know I don't know.  So I have more questions. 

Confusing?

Yes, that's how I feel when I'm at my paper. 

I promised myself I'd have everything completed by 3:00 today.  Not going to happen.  Oh well.  I've stretched my mind all week and now I'm going to yoga and yoga dance tonight and I'm not going to worry about it until tomorrow. 

Isn't that funny too.... Friday nights were more about going to the 'Engineering Bash' in my early-20s.... not yoga. 

I've needed to keep a sense of humor to get through some days.  I was challenged for sure.  It's been good for me.  I'm not sure how good it's been for my husband and youngest daughter.

#the47yearoldstudent #almostover #itsbeenastretch

Procrastinate a little longer...

One of these things is not like the other.

Yesterday was a fruitful day.  I cleared my schedule to study all day.  When I was in my 20s, studying late into the night was easy.  One time I stayed up all night for a Math 1001 exam.  And I learned this - never stay up all night to study.

I can't even attempt that now in my 40s.  I fall asleep when I read at night.  I can cram for an hour or two if I really need to (you know... when I gotta post online before 11pm)... but I'm not efficient.  So, I have arranged my schedule to study during daytime hours when I can.


The day began with coffee.  Of course.  (I quit coffee one time and it was amazing after I found Dandy Blend - available at The Healthy Vibe.  I intend on doing this again - after school.)  And then I HAD to post something on my business Facebook page.  And respond to people who sent messages.  I truly did have a few emails to attend to for my business.  And I had to eat... oatmeal... the leftover pizza is gone, thank gawd!  I can finally eat a little healthier.  It was now 10:00ish.  Time to hit the books.

So I had to organize my study space. 

And review my study plan.... make adjustments because I had not gotten it all done the day before.

More coffee. 

Sit to study.  Bing!  Oh... a text from my husband!  He rarely texts during the day... must be important.  Must check.  Awwww.... just checking in to see how my study is going.... I tell him I'm distracted... he suggests I hit my yoga mat.  Oooo... good idea!

Feeling lonely... decide to search for a yoga class.  Check out three local studios... plan to go at noon. 

Hit the books.... hungry (maybe not really).... cook lunch with enough left over for supper.... it's healthy though:)

Text with oldest daughter... check school online courses to see if anyone responded to my post from the day before... check Facebook to see if anyone responded to my earlier post on my business page...

Somehow a lot of time passed.   Ok, ok.... it's still morning... almost.  Just get at it.  Can't go to yoga at noon now... haven't even studied yet.  Check out later classes.... decide to go before picking up daughter from afterschool.

Open book..... begin.  Study.  Yes... real study... 1 hour... 2 hours...

Gotta clean the kitchen.  It's driving me nuts. 

Study.  I should bake muffins.  Go to kitchen.... NOOOO... WHAT?  STUDY, TINA!!

Study.... It. Takes. So. Long. To. Complete. One. Chapter.

It's late in the afternoon.  Decide to head to a coffee shop.  Crap... gotta get ready.... wash face and stuff.  Do that.  Go to coffee shop.  See people I know.  Chat with one - a former meditation and yoga student.  He asks if I'm back to teaching... he wants to return to my classes... makes me feel good.  Hear another's laugh... no, Tina, do not go over to talk to him... because... study!

But it was really, really nice to go out and be around people.  I am introverted, but not extremely... I do thrive on being around people some of the time.  I managed to get an article read.

Once I pick my daughter up, family obligations and responsibilities kick in.  My husband put her to bed, so I could.... clean out my gmail.  I mean, when you have an exam in two days, it's the best time to clean out thousands of emails.  Right?

#the47yearoldstudent #procrastinatingstudent #worldsbestprocrastinator

Oh The Places You'll Go... To Study

Phew!  What a week!  Nuts is an understatement.

I knew taking two courses in a six week intercession semester would require intense study.  I also knew I have other roles in life besides student that can't just be ignored for six weeks.  I was NOT ready for last week.

It's been intense from the beginning... taking a whole week just to learn the online system and then realizing I have to post by Sunday night or I lose 5% in each course... each week.  Falling behind right from the beginning was not good, but I thought I could catch up.  Hahahahahahahahahaha.....

My last post explained how difficult it was to get studying in for my last test.  Although I really detest the competitive nature of the education system - a topic from one of my readings last week - I did do well on the test and scored above average in the class.  Yay me!  Because, yes, it unfortunately does matter.  And, well, my brain is better for the studying and I proved it still works at some level.

This week, I had an assignment due on Sunday.  I was very late with this week's module readings in both courses (and there were a ton!) because I needed to catch up from the previous week in order to 1) complete my assignment, and 2) post for last week's material because our prof gave us an extension.

OK... so I had twice as much to read this week.  And a 40% assignment due.  Oh.... and my husband has been away for almost two weeks (except for one day in between his two trips)... and my oldest daughter convocated and visited for two nights.  It was magnificent.  I planned a little family party for her and I cried many times - so proud.  The day after my daughter's convocation, my Dad had surgery.  I spent two days last week in the hospital not able to study, a day in celebration for convocation, and a day planning and cleaning house.  And... oh yeah... my youngest daughter had a birthday party and a music concert this past weekend.  Oh... I also had to work.... part-time... but still... you have to shower, you know?

Needless to say... at least to all the non-supermoms like me.... I fed my child frozen pizza AND hamburger and fries this weekend.  She did have fruit.  And yogurt.  And actually, I'm not really sure what she had because I was studying and she was pretty much feeding herself her snacks.  And she brought food to the bedroom while she watched Netflix on the iPad.  Yes.  She also watched a lot of Netflix on Saturday.  But she did get bored - a good sign maybe?  I think?  Not for me studying, though...  She banged the singing bowls in my ears... she drew pictures and proudly told me about them while I nodded with eyes glued to my work.... she pulled a resistance band so hard it snapped and I thought she got knocked out (she did not... but I cried I got such a fright... and the band did not even hit her).... she ran out to hug me every minute while brushing her teeth and I just smiled and gave little hugs in return.... she put herself to bed one night and, yeah, you guessed it... she turned on Netflix and was up until nearly midnight... yes, mom of the year.

So I studied wherever I could, whenever I could.  I carried my books and laptop pretty much everywhere I went.  I read in the car, at a restaurant, in bed, at the table, and tried at the hospital.  At one point, while my youngest was having fun at a birthday party, I studied upstairs while the staff prepared a room for an event that evening.  And the bathroom, too.  I really am back to student life.

I got my assignment done, though.  I also posted in both courses.  The posts were awful.  I hadn't read much of the material for this week so had little to go on.  They were the least intelligent posts on the D2L system for the entire university.  I am not kidding.  And it was 10:30-12am last night... my brain wasn't functioning very well.  I figure I might get 1/5 for attempting something.

I should feel relieved.  I don't.  I feel depleted.  That's the difference from being 20 and 47.  At 20, I would have been happy it was over.  Now, I'm sad I did not get all the reading done and get to engage in some intelligent dialogue about the material.

On to week 5...

#the47yearoldstudent #momstudent #momoftheyear

Brain Workout

Last night I wrote my first university exam in 11 years.  Not only that, it was a 100% recall exam.  I had to memorize six chapters, two (or three?) scholarly articles, and three sections of the DSM-V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders).  It doesn't sound like so much, really, for a forth level university course mid-term exam.  But for me at this time of my life, it was. 

I studied all week, or at least I planned to. 

• Monday was a holiday.  That would be good for a typical student, I suppose... but not for students with kids.  I did very little study that day.  
• Tuesday, my youngest was home sick from school.  I also had to do a presentation for a client so had to find a sitter.  My mom was sick.  My Dad came to the rescue!  I did very little study that day.  
• Wednesday, I studied half the day, and then my daughter and I drove my husband to the airport to go to the Ottawa Marathon - yes, he's running it.  I get to study and he gets to run a marathon and visit family and friends.  Is there something wrong with this picture??  But I digress... 
• Thursday, I had another client, but I did manage to get a lot of study in.  Oh... and I started feeling sick myself.  
• Friday, my youngest started the day sick again... but she did go to school by mid-morning.  Then I studied hard, stopping only to eat a whole lot of junk food, get water/coffee, and pee.  By 3:00 p.m. my brain was full.  I did not think I could fit anything else in.  However, I felt like I still had so much left to do.  Actually, I did.  So I got a shower.  And I made some more coffee. And I picked what I thought was most important and tried to memorize a few more things before I wrote my exam at 7 p.m.  Good thing.  Those few things WERE on the exam!  Yay me!

First, what's with the correlation of junk food and studying?  I know better.  I know certain foods are better for stress - I picked the absolute worst foods that exist... or should I say, non-foods.  I made a special trip to purchase 'study food'.  Yes.... I had very little time for study but manage to get to the store to purchase study food.  I have a Holistic Nutritionist - Jessica Mitton... check her out... she rocks!  What would she say if she knew.... I felt like a balloon and gained about 5lbs in a few days... what 47 year old woman wants this to happen?!  I'm peri-menopausal and hormones are already wreaking havoc with my body.  I'm on an eat clean, anti-inflammatory, anti-stress food mission (80-20 rule).  I kept to my 80-20 rule... in the reverse!

Anyway, with a sick kid (which is really rare in this house!), traveling husband, a business to run, and an exam to study for, my brain had a workout. 

Some are probably reading this thinking, so what?  I have done all that and more!  And, you know what?  So have I!  I worked 15-20 hours a week, went to school full time, was a single mom, had no car nor family to help out where I was living, and finished my undergrad that way.  Happily and successfully.  I worked full-time, was a single mom, and completed my Master's degree part-time... and did all the things moms do... fundraising, school volunteering, car pooling, mama & mini socializing, party planning, etc.  So I get it.

But my brain does not work the same way it used to.

Last Fall, I had a cognitive episode that sent me to the emergency room and followed with a plethora of tests.  The results?  My doc said all was normal... even my EEG showed normal deterioration for a 47 year old brain.  What?!  Deterioration?  What?! 

I know a teensy bit about brain deterioration.  I study and teach mindfulness and meditation.  I also practice it, so I hoped it was positively affecting my brain.  And maybe it was.

I was diagnosed with burn-out and depression.  And my prescription was to recalibrate my life (because I turned down the meds... that's a story for another time).  Let me tell you, a few years back, I would have agreed with this diagnosis (and taken the meds) because I was in it full blown.  In fact, it was so bad, I did not even go to the doc.  I could barely keep it together for the responsibilities I had, let alone make a doctor appointment and actually show up.  I think that's the story for a lot of people with burn-out and/or depression.  But last Fall... there was no more denying it.

My brain had given me the message.  I was regularly and frequently fighting for words that are in my normal vocabulary (my 6-year old continues to remind me I do this - isn't it great to have young children around when you are at your worst?).  I had teensy memory loss blips that could be normal... for a 47 year old!!!.... but I took them as messages.  And I changed my life... or at least I'm working on changing my life.  Lol.... how long does that take?!

I changed my business to be less chaotic.  I started exercising more (I have a lot of physical spin-off issues from mental health challenges... or maybe the mental health challenges are from physical issues... it's all a blur... regardless, it's all there and it's all real, so exercise does not look like it used to either).  I saw my Holistic Nutritionist and started getting my food sorted to match what my body needed. 

Then I started school.  Because I didn't want to wait any longer.  Because I was getting older.  Because my brain needed something.  Sweet lord.  It's been a brain workout.  It's probably exactly what this ol' brain needs to keep sharp... errr... continue to work somewhat effectively.  I know this is good for my brain.  Although, I had a complete brain fart in my exam.  I KNEW an answer... but I completely forgot it.  I could see the words written on the paper... I breathed deep into my belly to relax so my nervous system would stop interfering with my memory... but nope.  Not there.  So I wrote on my exam paper, "COMPLETE MIND BLANK!  :)" 

If nothing else, the prof may get a chuckle.  And I got a brain workout.

I expect I passed the exam, by the way.  I don't expect I did very well.  But I passed.  And I successfully studied and remembered a lot of stuff.  And my brain is better off for it.

Mama Bear, Baby Bear, and The Post

Baby Bear Wins

The wine was a bad idea.  It is not hard to tell I don't drink much.  I had three or four sips and felt so sleepy I could barely read.  I put the wine down and drank water instead.   I was so zonked after finally completing my work, that I did not ever drink my wine.

Young students... do not follow my lead.

The story gets better.  My youngest was feeling miserable last night.  I could have told my husband to put her to bed.  But, Mama Bear instincts kicked in.  Baby Bear had a bit of trouble going to sleep, her eyes were weepy, her nose was stuffy.  And Mama Bear had to hold her. 

It's easy to forget about school at these moments.  I remember this from being in school when my oldest was just in pre-school.  One time she stepped in a wasp nest and got about a dozen or more stings and the daycare called me (there were no cell phones - I happened to be home studying for a test later that day).  I dropped everything and ran to the daycare - I had no car - and brought her to the doctor.  She was fine.  I missed my test. 

Baby Bear always wins over school.

Anyway, at 10:30 last night, my husband comes into my youngest's bedroom and practically kicks me out of bed to get my post finished for one of my courses.  I whined.  For real.  But I did it.  I went out there and figured out something to write.  I had trouble finding the information I was seeking.  I felt a little 'stupid' to be honest. Was I missing something?  I've read all the material assigned.  The question is clearly asking about something I have not read.  Am I supposed to know what that criteria is?  How can I find out so I can answer the question?  Maybe I should answer a different question.  No, I have only 30 minutes left before the posting cut off time.  So I stick to the question I started.  I answer it to the best of my ability... spending most of the time looking through chapters in the book that were not even assigned.... thinking I missed something.... others seems to have a better idea about this.  Did they learn it in a different course?  Agghh!

Well.... I wrote something... tried to make sense of theory and application and make my writing flow so it is not too confusing to read... and voila!  11:27 I am finished and ready to post!  Three minutes to spare.

Not.

I need to provide references.  I need to do it in APA format. 11:30 and voila!  Ready.  And it won't post.  The deadline is up.  I can't post it.  No more posting.  It reminded me of when time is up for an exam and you'd be desperately writing and the teacher comes and takes your paper from under your pencil and the pencil marking slides across the paper and he/she pulls it away.  So I post it in the question section... the wrong section.... and it's late by the time I get it done. 

And I emailed the prof and she accepted it.

Phew!

W(h)ine

Check out the top left corner.

It's May 2-4.  We'd planned to go camping and hiking this weekend.  I had too much homework.  So we planned to just take one day and go hiking and have a fire in the woods.  I had too much homework.  Soooo....

I have spent most of my weekend studying, or at least trying to get studying in, while squeezing family time in between papers and books and online posting.

I chose this.  I chose this?  What?  Why would anyone in their right mind choose this at 47 years old after already spending more than 25 years in formal schooling already?  No, really.  Why?

Oh, yes.... I WANT to.  Sweet lord. 

I just wasted 20 minutes scrolling social media.  When I was in my teens and 20s, I used to clean whenever I had to study.  Now... I scroll.  No need to have a clean house when you have school for an excuse for it being a mess.  Anyway, scrolling social media on May 24th weekend when all of your "friends" (in quotes because I hardly know most of the people on my social media) are hiking and having fires and taking snaps with friends and biking and hiking and camping and fishing and exploring the outdoors and just having an awesome time... is just not a good thing to do when one should be reading that last chapter before she has to post something on the discussion board - for real marks.  And there are only two hours of free time while the six year old is at a birthday party.

So I decided to have a glass of wine.  Study too.  Wine plus study.  Makes sense, right?  I don't even drink much.  But this idea of drinking wine while studying just came to me.  I know... slow learner.  I never did this before.  Don't get me wrong... pre-children, I went to class occasionally somewhat hung over.  But I didn't drink WHILE studying.  I simply replaced studying with drinking.  Now, I'm much wiser.  I am going to drink AND study. 

#the47yearoldstudent #thewhiningstudent #studyandwine